I have been overwhelmed at what a blessing my life has turned into. Of course, it was always a blessing but my anxiety, depression, eating disorder, and pessimism didn't let me see it. It was like this big dark, cloud covering up my view and all I could see was the dark cloud. I couldn't see what was just on the outside of that dark cloud because I never bothered to move out from underneath it. Just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, she had the power to go home the entire time. I had the power to move out from underneath that cloud my entire life! But I CHOSE to stay put. Even though I was miserable, it was comfortable there. I knew the misery. I was familiar with it. I didn't know how to show excitement or happiness even when I was happy. All I knew how to show was indifference or sadness or anger.
There is a song by Dave Matthews called "Gray Street." I used to LOVE that song. Why? Because it described how I felt perfectly.
Oh, look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out onto Grey Street
She thinks, "Hey, How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place."
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together
To grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes she was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears he doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her he might
She says, "I pray
But they fall on deaf ears
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place"
There's a loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together
To grey
And it breaks her heart
There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says, "Take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It'd take the work out of the courage."
But she says, "Please
There's a crazy man that's creeping outside my door
I live on the corner of Grey Street
And the end of the world."
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together
To grey
And it breaks her heart
To grey
I would listen to this song over and over and over and just cry. That is EXACTLY how I felt. And that "stranger speaking outside my door" was God telling me to give it all to HIM. I had many many heart breaks growing up. I was hurt and sad and lonely. I felt worthless, fat, ugly, unintelligent, scared. God was telling me over and over again to give it to Him and instead I stayed locked in my clouded house. Until 1 year ago. Somehow God got through that huge dark cloud that I had created and I heard Him and saw Him so clearly that I couldn't refuse what He was telling me to do. He was telling me IT WAS TIME. Time to leave the baggage behind. Time to stop living in the past and give it all to Him. For once...I obeyed. And there hasn't been a moment since that I have regretted giving it to Him.
Through my healing what has God done? He is using the struggles I had for the majority of my life to HELP other people! All that pain, all that suffering was NOT for NOTHING! He is BRINGING people to me that connect with my story. I have never met so many strangers in my entire life. And these strangers are contacting ME because they too felt the way I did and they want to CHOOSE to change it. I had to CHOOSE to step out of the dark, grey cloud. God was waiting the whole time to show me the beautiful rainbow of bright, bold colored blessings that he had waiting for me. He will turn your darkness into light and your sadness into gladness. He'll turn your mourning into dancing...but YOU have to let Him.
