Getting that Little Girl Back

Eeek!  I'm scared!  This is my first ever blog!  I have been thinking about doing one for a while now but have been scared to start one.  So here it goes..... 

There have been a lot of changes in my life recently.  These changes have gotten me thinking about how I was when I was a child.  I was a very happy child.  My parents love to tell the story about how we were in a store waiting for something and I would run up to complete strangers, stand in front of them, laugh and get them to laugh.  Then I would move onto the next person.  I look back at pictures and I see the joy I had as a child.  My smile said it all.  My eyes were bright and beaming.  If I didn't know me, I would look at those pictures and my smile as a child would make me smile.

I look happy right?  That's because I was happy.  Then, somewhere around 9 or 10 years old, everything changed.  Around that time I remember being self conscience about my body for the very first time in my life.  I remember in 4th grade being so anxious about being weighed by the school nurse.  My friends were 50-70 pounds and I was 90 lbs.  I remember in 5th grade sucking in my belly to look thinner.  I was at that point 100lbs and a little chunky for my age.  Kids started to make fun of me.  My parents got concerned.  I became a different child.  My parents used to say "You were so happy when you were little...then something changed."  (That sounds worse than it was.  My parents are very loving people.  They just noticed the change in me.)  I started doing weight watchers and walking at night with my mom.  I lost some weight but I started to obsess about weight and then I stopped eating all together around 12 years old.  Around that time, I had my first boyfriend and my first heartbreak.  (I now realize that 12 years old was WAAAAYYY too young to be having boyfriends. Hey...what do you know?  My Dad did know what he was talking about)  I was way too young to handle the adult emotions that came with thinking that I was in love with a boy.  That first heartbreak started a cycle for me of boyfriend after boyfriend.  Trying to find love that I did not feel for myself.  That summer I wouldn't eat hardly anything at all.  We lived near the beach so my friends and I were constantly walking miles and miles a day in the hot summer.  I wouldn't even drink water.  I remember someone trying to give me ONE GRAPE and i said I couldn't eat it because it would make me fat.  I was miserable at 12 years old.  I wanted desperately to be thin, pretty and loved.  And I felt none of those things.  

 12 years old and anorexic

 14 years old

 15 years old

16 or 17 at my junior prom

When I think back on my highschool life, I remember only two things really.  Being heartbroken by one boyfriend or another and being miserable in my body no matter what size I was.  I would get dumped and starve myself.  Then I would date someone new and eat and eat and eat.  The cycle happened over and over again.  No matter what size I was I felt tired, sad, anxious, depressed, full of emotional and physical pain.

It came time for college and I decided to go to college for Theatre Performance.  I wanted to be an actress.  Why?  Because I got to be someone else for 2 hours when I was on stage.  I didn't have to feel my feelings.  I didn't have to think about my body.  I got to be someone funny, or pretty, or intelligent for just 2 hours.  

In grad school I met my husband, Joey, after a very very bad breakup.  This breakup had devastated me and I found myself as a 22 year old adult, once again starving myself and acting like a crazy ex-girlfriend.  I was so desperate for someone to love me.  It didn't matter to me that the guy didn't WANT to be with me.

  Joey met me at such a terrible time in my life.  I don't think I have ever felt as bad about myself as I did then.  Yet, Joey loved me.  Joey loved me the way no one else ever had.  Joey loved me for who I was.  He thought I was pretty and funny  and talented.  He loved me.  I found in him what I had been seeking all those years.  Someone to love me so much.  We got married.  And you know what?  I was still miserable.  My poor husband would tell me I was beautiful and I would roll my eyes.  My poor husband would come home from work and greet me with his wonderful smile and I would greet him with a miserable look on my face.  I had migraines 15-20 times a month.  I had chronic neck and back pain.  I was never happy.  And Joey still loved me.

   After we had our first child Zoey, I found myself suffering with post partum depression.  This depression is so different than regular depression.  (But that is for a different post.  lol)  Once again my husband was having to deal with not only a new born but a wife that couldn't stop crying.  I was the biggest I had ever been in my life.  I was 5'4 and 174 pounds.  My whole body hurt.  I hurt physically and emotionally.  I didn't want to do anything.  Finally I started to walk and do weight watchers again because I just couldn't stand the way I looked any more.  I would lose 10 pounds and gain it back over and over.  I was trying to do it by myself and it was shameful to me.  I always felt guilty and like a failure.  But, had started moving and I did start to feel a difference in my body and mind.  After I had my second child, one of my close friends lost a bunch of weight.  I found myself insanely jealous of her.  When I saw her I would instantly feel terrible about myself.  I would say "I could never look like that."  "My body isn't built that way."  "My metabolism is slower than hers."  The truth was, I had never found a way that worked for me.  I finally got so sick of living in the body and mind that I was in that I started working out and doing weight watchers again on my own.

I started doing workouts on pinterest and then I started doing beachbody workouts at home.  It was hard working out with two kids but being trapped in a body that I wasn't comfortable in, was harder.  To my amazement, I lost all the weight and got to my goal weight!  I was 117 pounds!  And you know what?  It wasn't good enough.  I wanted to be 115 lbs.  I still looked in the mirror and saw fat.  I saw flaws, I saw ugly.  About a year ago, I was sitting in church obsessing about when the next time I would work out was going to be and the pastor started talking about Leaving your baggage behind and moving on.  I had A LOT OF BAGGAGE.  And I literally felt God speak to me.  I literally felt God telling me it was time to get help and move on.  Here I was....I was the smallest and fittest I had ever been in my life and it still wasn't good enough.  Why?  Because I didn't love myself.  I knew what i had to do.  I had to go to a counselor.  And I was never so scared in my whole life.  I was scared to talk to a stranger.  I was scared she wouldn't understand.  I was scared of what people would think of me.  I was scared she would take my scale away!  I was scared that I WOULD get better!  I was scared I would get better and gain all the weight back.  This was my identity now.  I had become this depressed, negative, unhappy person and I had been CHOOSING to stay that way because I didn't want to step out of my comfort zone.  But....I went.  And you know what?  Even though there were tears.  Even though my stomach was churning....this HUGE weight was lifted when I actually admitted to someone else that I had a problem.  The healing process began.

   Around that time, God brought Beachbody Coaching into my life.  Never did I ever imagine that being a Beachbody Coach would have such a profound impact on my life.  I was healing but I had so many things to learn.  I had to learn how to live a healthy lifestyle while keeping a healthy mindset.  I started doing challenge groups and found something I never knew I needed.  Community.  Here I was coaching other people on their fitness journey and I found that these people were inspiring me.  They were taking the guilt and shame out of the my journey for me.  I need my challengers just as much as they need me.  I need the positivity, the encouragement, the motivation, the fun and the support.  I need it.  

  I am still healing.  But....I feel like I am starting to find that happy little girl that I lost so long ago.  I can look in the mirror and not see flaws.  I can look in the mirror and be happy with who I am.  I can look in the mirror and love the person I am becoming.  I can look at my pictures and see that smile coming back.  And it's not a fake smile.  I actually feel joy.  There is a brightness in my eyes that was gone for so long.  That little girl who used to love herself is coming back.  And God is going to do great things with this girl!  I can feel it.